Beeyotch vaca, Front Page Follies

Hidee ho, neighborinos!

Every year my family takes a beach vacation. We got to Ocean Isle Beach which is north of North Myrtle Beach, in North Carolina. So, it's in North North North Carolina HAHAHAHA. It's ever so much fun - we basically just hang out all day long and live like rock stars. We've been going to this island since I was in high school, and here's the first house we stayed in:

no, i'm not kidding. ladies and gentlemen, i give you Mary Merrill's house. please note the lack of an air conditioning unit.

Mary Merrill's we stayed in for two years until we got wise and rented a house with A/C and have pretty much upgraded every couple of years or so. Good memories despited the humidity (or honey mist as my dad referred to the heat in the house). A few years ago at Christmastime I got a hankering to make a gingerbread house from scratch and I modeled it after Mary Merrill's.

check out my hair

We've progressed since the Mary Merrill days, fortunately.

seated front row, l-r: my mother Mary Ann Venable, me, Auntie Lianne Kressin, friend Patricia Outland, Auntie Suzy Deaton, friend Matt Mowrer

seated on couch, l-r: Long-Suffering Mr. Smith, Lottie Sue Mowrer, friend Jennifer Mowrer, nephew Hampton Harper, maw-in-law Suzy Smith, cousin Jennifer Terry, 1st cousin once removed Andy Terry, cousin Greg Terry, 1st cousin once removed Spencer Terry, brother-in-law London Harper and just in front of him, my sister-in-law Teddy Harper.

back row, l-r: my father Sam Venable, Mary the Dancing Doll, Uncle Ronny Venable, friend Shon Gilmore, friend Chris Gilmore, father-in-law Tom Smith, Uncle Tony Deaton and friend Randy Outland.

Whew.

here's our crazy family photo. i'm all about the crazy pic! lookit, i'm so crazy in this pic, i'm not even in it! whee!

The first thing that happened when we arrived was Shon and Chris surprised us all with the news that they will be expecting their first child soon!

actually i already knew. i'm really glad they spilled the beans the first night because i have a real hard time keeping secrets. in any event, yea, dr. and mrs. gilmore!

Next we did presentations. Auntie was crowned Queen of Ocean Isle Beach.

bow to her! bow down, i say!

Among the many fine gifts distributed that night was a present from the Smith Jrs. and the Mowrers. Recently, Mr. Smith and I were retelling a story about how my Uncle Ronny had asked for a doll as a child and my grandmother bought him a dancing doll. According to family lore, Uncle Ronny wore the doll out. I didn't ask how or why and still have/will not, but uh, I guess she danced her raggedy feet through or something. Whatever. Anyway, Ronny loved the doll so, he insisted on having a family funeral in the backyard. I remember as a child asking my grandmother several times where she was buried so I could go dig her up and play with her (morbidity runs among the Venables, apparently).

Mr. Smith thought it would be funny to recreate the doll, but make her grown-up and write a letter asking him to take her back because she was his one true love. The Mowrers came through with the doll in a huge way. As in every image I had in my head was this train wreck of a mannequin that would look terrible but have great value as a comic piece. What they did was a masterpiece. Here's Ronny reading the letter we all four co-authored:

My dearest Ronald,

A fortnight ago I found out you have been married for quite some time (and to a woman, no less!). Yet, try as I may, I cannot be at peace with our current state, my love. I have to reach out to you once more, if only to set my heart free. Allow me to pour out my heartfelt words into your friendly bosom, which I once thought to be ever in unison with mine.

Various sensations swell within the liveliest emotions of my despair. Oh, my almost bursting heart! I tell you your dear wife is not the most amiable of women; nay, I say she is the most wanton of harlots. I doubt not that you have tricked yourself into believing you are blessed in your matrimonial state. Please, let me rectify this.

It has now been nigh on five decades since I last felt the warmth of your skin against mine. I remember the clods of earth raining hard upon my worn self when in that shallow grave, but the sting of that injury pales in comparison to the wounds of my heart. I am willing to set aside the past. Much has changed over the years for me - and all for the better. I sincerely hold true in my heard your eye will be caught once you see how I have blossomed forth into the full fruits of womanhood.

I dare say I am here to win you back. Let us start afresh, my dear Ronald.

But no matter what decision you make, I shall always be... your dancing doll.

Forever yours,

-D

HAHAHA.

Here's my Auntie being called the most wanton of harlots:

H-O-R-E

And at last, I give you... Mary the Dancing Doll (I didn't know she had a NAME until that night! P and S, Mary is my grandmother's name... this story has gone south right into CreepyTown, USA)

Please take note of her tramp stamp. She also has a tat on her arm that says "Ronny 4 Ever"

auntie, putting on a brave face in front of her nemesis

We all had way yonder too much fun with good ole Mary:

what attention to detail - belly ring and all...

Needless to say, everyone had a ball hanging with Mary.

should i be jealous?

me and mary - self photo!

Our days mostly went like this: get up, eat, maybe (but most likely not) go exercise, then go to the beach. We boogie boarded (I should enter a contest - I would totes win), played with the children, chillaxed in the surf or went for walks. To wit:

Hampton and Lottie shoveling sand... they gotta lotta work to doooo!!! They gotta lotta work tooo dooooo!

Then back to the house in time for lunch and after eating/waiting the prescribed hour my favorite time of all - POOL TIME!!!

please note my mother's excessive use/combo visor and bandana. i think she didn't want to burn and look the fool. wait a minute...

But lest you think all we did was play and no work, allow me to show you how business for the week was conducted (Oh. There was business a-plenty, lemme tell ya.)

UNDERWATER MEETING! spencer is taking minutes re: dad's progress on his action items.

next on the agenda: conflict resolution

team leader ronny stops by for a status check

As I alluded to a minute ago, not only did we get a lot of work done during underwater meetings, we did have some trouble; hence the meeting re: conflict resolution. Before that though we tried to solve our differences another way:

WATER BALLOON BATTLE! i wanted to have a dance-off but no one listened.

greg and andy got the short end of the stick and had to take a girl on their team.

spence in action - quite an arm on that boy!

spence and tommy go in for the kill

i could run, but alas, i could not hide

i throw like a girl. oh wait...

don't worry. we ended the battle with a peace accord. actually, we just ran out of water balloons.

After pool time was my second favorite time - cocktail hour! After cocktail time, was my third favorite time - supper time!

we had two houses of people but crammed everyone into one each night for supper

i actually was a little surprised the health inspector didn't show up and make us apply for a commercial license.

chris got up at 5 AM (you read that right... FIVE AM) to start smoking brisket. thank you, chris, for bringing that brisket into my life.

shon and chris enjoying the labor of chris's vacation-day sacrifice

papa tone chowing down

tommy has egg on his face but still manages to make the look work for him

me, smooching a fish

Hampton brought his earphones and if ever he deemed the dining hall "too loud" he'd put them on and enjoy the quiet of his own thoughts.

shhhh

andy's turn for some peace and quiet

spencer's turn

tommy's turn

After supper if it wasn't raining, we'd go out on the beach for a twilight stroll.

here we all are!

suzy and dalton wade in the surf

hampton far

hampton near

the harper family

lottie sue is very excited about the beach

who's cuter? i simply cannot tell.

me and my folks

da ladies in da wind on da beach

friends fo' eva

i just like how crazy we all look in this one

A couple of nights it rained and Papa Tone and Randy sung to keep us entertained. We sang everything from Angel Band to Age of Aquarius.

do ra mi fa so la ti

lottie listens intently

One night, in preparation to take over his grandmother and step-grandfather's business, Hampton tatted us all up.

oh, it still hurts...

hampton puts the hurting on dipsey doodle. hampton looks pleased with his handiwork.

check out our guns

I'll sum up our trip with a collage of random pics I liked:

lottie sue and auntie share a floor moment together

i have no idea what this was supposed to represent - maybe nothing. but it certainly called for a picture.

lottie sue prepares for a career as an aviatrix.

strike a pose next time, girls...

corpse barbie will be the next tickle me elmo this holiday season

it's a condom. it caught my eye on the ground everyday, so i finally cracked and took a picture of it.

do you see the family resemblance? oh yes, there it is - the distinct look of tomfoolery.

teddy and dalton chillin'

heaven help the sister! who comes between and my mister!

the boys get tough

reading stories to the chillins

lottie sue, once again looking crazed... and on the floor - i detect a pattern here...

this thing was in the gilmore's room. what is it? it wasn't alive - but it did look like it could eat you.

playing games after supper - it looks like this game is invisible, however.

lottie and andy! sittin in a tree!

lastly, i give you my evidence of white collar crime. i liked this cup in our beach house, so i took it. i left my mardi gras cup my mother in law gave me, so my karmic balance in the universe is still ok.

Lastly, my mother made a newsletter of the beach, so if you're interested in hearing more about our trip please feel free to peruse the Ocean Isle Times.

Now! I bet you are thinking I went home all sad and lonely after my fun vacation. Well, you'd be WRONG. I went home, dropped off my bags and headed out to the Knoxville Marriott to participate in the Front Page Follies which is an annual scholarship fundraiser. It's like Saturday Night Live, but on a local scale. It's a lot of fun, and I've made about one million friends from being involved in the show. Allow me to show you:

this is how we roll in show bidnezz... christine and mike, er... running lines?

monty, kristina and i pre-show. since i got in from vacation i didn't go to supper and stayed up in the room to get ready. that's why i'm in a robe and everyone else looks hot. i also requested a door with a star on the front of it, but nothin' doin'... just a plain ole hotel room in the downtown Marriott.

me and kristina. sorry about all the self photos - i just discovered my camera has a setting for that specifically.

clint, monty, kristina and amanda

this is what backstage looks like. sexy, no? the sarcasm is directed to the status of the backstage, not kristi bumpus who is sexy. she one time tried to get me to wear hooker heels (literally, hooker heels from a porn store) and i was all like... how do you own hooker heels?

ernie was a teacher in my high school and now we're buds. kristina looks nutz though... maybe because she's got an arrow in her head? kinda like wylie coyote.

and then of course, the best part of the night - the after party!

I like to pride myself on my diverse friend population and Amanda is one of my dearest friends. We don't always see eye to eye on things; we lovingly refer to ourselves as Gravity and Levity. I'll let you decide who's who:

"my body, my choice," says the artist formerly known as amanda

"i heart laughing," says i

All right, that's about all the excitement I can handle for one week. Hope you enjoyed it!